Ok, so I will be the first to admit this post is like a "poor me" type posting.
We've been trying to get pregnant again for a year now... with meds and all that hoopla- I've mentioned in my previous posts about wanting Ashlyn to be a big sister and everything. Well- last weekend Ash and I went to California. The beach and Disneyland (post with pics of that coming soon), anyhow, just walking across the long beach to get to the water, I screwed up my back again. I have been literally in so much pain- yes, tears and all. Since last Saturday. In an effort to combat the pain and function as a "normal" human, mother, and wife. (and also, to make it through the remainder of our trip) I had to start taking pain pills again. I haven't really taken anything since right after I had my surgery in 2009. Well, this past week has reminded me why I HATE taking them in the first place. I actually feel like I'm 1/2 way in a coma. I am so tired, I have literally fallen asleep just sitting down for a minute or 2 this week. I am having trouble even keeping my eyes open. Just driving home from California was nearly impossible- I was so tired and having such trouble staing awake that I had to stop 3 times on the way home. A 4 hour trip took me over 6 hours. Yet, when I go to bed- the task of laying down to sleep through the night has turned into an impossible task. I can usually sleep for about 4 or 5 hours, then I'm jolted awake with sharp pains that take my breath away. I toss and turn for the next few hours until daylight trying to find a position that I can breathe in long enough to fall back asleep. Most nights I end up trying to sleep while sitting up in the recliner. The pain is affecting all of my normal chores- laundry, cleaning, bathing Ashlyn. Scott has definately stepped up to the plate and has literally saved the day- or in this case, the week for me.. for us all. We even got a new bed this weekend to try and help fix me up quicker.. but, that's not working at all. Last night was day 3 and there seems to be no end in sight of this nightly ritual.
In spite of all this crap, I have come to a huge realization. Ironically it was at church on Mother's Day- while I was praying for God to heal me and take this pain away.
I realized the reason WHY I haven't got pregnant- God knows that literally I can't handle it. Physically it quite possibly could be impossible. Thinking of how much stress pregnancy puts on your body and back- how would I even get through that? Clearly if there was a bun in the oven there will be NO pain pills to help cope with the pain. I finally realized that God is saving me from ruining the chance I've been given to be the best Mom that ASHLYN deserves. It is devastating to think of never being pregnant or kissing my newborn or any of that sort of thing, but I already can't do so much with the baby (or big girl) I have now... How selfish of me for wanting more. Ashlyn deserves to have me, in the best possible scenario. It doesn't at this time include me being on bed rest or anything to try and carry a baby to term, so I am putting that wish on the shelf for now. I know God can do miracles and that is absolutely what it would take, but it's not realistic, so it's ok. As I was praying about this and having this conversation with the Lord at church I also asked for him to bless me with acceptance of this, not just now, but in the long term of it.
You know what's weird, our Pastor was giving a message for Mother's Day and he was actually saying- ladies who are struggling with infertility, etc. don't give up- your time is coming. But even though he was saying this for someone there- I know it wasn't for me. I felt nothing personal from that message that it was being directed towards myself.
At this point I'm focusing all my prayers on just getting better. I hate myself right now. I'm hitting rock bottom about the way I feel... I just need to get better. Ashlyn deserves that- and so does Scott. We are a family and if God will heal me to be able to enjoy that to the fullest, I don't need anything else.